Today started with a call from the anesthesiologist to go over what I can expect on Friday and to give me the final verdict on what the anesthesia approach will be. I had been told by many of my doctor's not count on being awake for the delivery portion, but that they would fight their best for me to try to be awake. After consulting with colleagues and weighing the benefits versus risks, the anesthesiologist called me personally to let me know the entire delivery and surgery would be done under general. It felt like a crushing blow to hear those words...as even though I knew the chances were slim I held onto the one thing in my eyes that might make the birth of my son bearable. It feels as though I am grieving the loss of a moment I will never be able to get back. The risks with the surgery are already so scary and I felt knowing that he was at least okay would bring me some peace. Seeing him even if for a moment would bring some happiness to my situation. I know eventually I will find a way to move forward from this but at this moment it feels impossible. So today, I am allowing myself to be upset...I am not fighting back feeling sorry for myself...I am not gonna just fake it and put on a happy face for everyone. Today, I am throwing myself a pity party!
Coming from 12 years of medical device sales, I am not afraid of the Operating Room, or even so much the physical pain, as I will be awake during the entire preparation for the delivery, I will feel every poke, and discomfort as they do everything they can to get me ready for the delivery. It is really a fucked up mind game and test of mental and emotional strength more than anything else. I will save everyone all the exciting details on the amount and types of IV's I will have inserted or the Interventional Radiology procedure I will endure to allow my doctors to be proactive and ready for any situation that arises. I know it will be the longest morning/ day of my life. In my career, it was always someone else on that operating table and on Friday it will be me. Nothing can prepare you..
Besides the Neonatal staff and Interventional Radiologist, I have met all of the doctors who will help get me and my little man through this. I can say with complete confidence though, I feel in really good hands with my doctors. I know why they are doing everything they are doing and from a medical standpoint, I don't really think it is possible to have a better plan. They have all been so considerate, comforting and encouraging. I feel like I have an army by side and for that I am so very thankful!
Not saying that the next few day's won't be long and filled with lots of emotion, fear and anxiety, but come Friday morning, I will intend to brush myself off and carry on like the fucking warrior I know I am!
